Thought to Ponder

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.
--William Blake

Is this really where we saw ourselves a month ago? Is this what we wanted it to be? Was it supposed to be different? I feel like it's starting to become more forced. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love hanging out with you and all the good times we have, but are we really supposed to be more than friends? Can we handle it? Can I?

I'm no longer sure of the best course of action, of the best choice, of whether there is a choice.

Just because...

Just because...

...you think I'm pretty, doesn't mean I'm not ugly.
...you think I'm smart, doesn't mean I'm not stupid.
...you think I'm happy, doesn't mean I'm not hurting.
...you think I'm whole, doesn't mean I'm not empty.
...you think I'm outgoing, doesn't mean I don't fear rejection.
...you think I'm cute, doesn't mean I'm not a monster.
...you think I'm funny, doesn't mean I'm not faking.

And just because you trust me, doesn't mean you should.

You can do better than me.
Trust me.

Words Hurt

Brash and irresponsible,

Hurtful and inconsolable.

These words they bite at me.

Is hurt something you want me to see?

Well I understand that I'm not perfect!

And you think that I'm no longer worth it.

But this hurt cuts too far down,

to the point I feel I might drown.

So maybe its better for me,

if you, I will no longer see.

Illusions of Beauty

Why do people think that their self worth is linked directly with their physical appearance? Maybe someone somewhere truly doesn't care, but I have yet to meet that person. Everything in our society dictates to us that we need to fit the "image" in order to have any success in life. But the way in which they convinced us was so very clever. Here in America, we are all about choice. We want to choose which fast food restaurant will serve us almost the exact same food, for the exact same cost and calorie content. We want to choose everything, and it gives us the illusion of freedom. Yes, freedom is an illusion because in reality, we are slaves to our own desires, and those desires can be manipulated by those around us. Its a very simple technique that enslaved the American people, and most of the world for that matter. It's called advertising. And its not just the commercials that interrupted that movie you were just watching. But wait, why were you watching the movie? You heard it was good? That's advertising. You read a description? Advertising. Seen it before and enjoyed it? You now advertise that movie to others. You help enslave others. But is it really our faults, or is it more a defect of human nature, that we would like to be herd animals, of sorts. We like to have our minds made up for us on issues we don't really care about. Like fashion and beauty. Who decided that "blonde would have more fun" or that blue eyes made someone pretty? Who said that being tall and skinny was beautiful? And that you then needed all the clothes and accessories to go with it, and that will make you beautiful. And it changes, every season, what clothes will make you look the best.

With all that said, I still care. I have fallen into the trap of thinking, "If I buy this, and wear it, then people will think it looks good on me and I will gain 'pretty points'," and I like where I am. Its easier than thinking for myself, that's fo sho.

Ramblings of the Jester

From the corner she mumbled,

"And so life goes on, in a never ending cycle, never slowing, never speeding up, yet time for me has ceased to mean anything other than be a deadline for the things of which I have yet to accomplish. I find that time has begun to move at a pace that is no longer of any relevance, with a few memories here and there, sticking out, details as clear as if I were reliving them.

I never thought it would be this way. That everything I thought would happen this year turn into what it did and crumble away from beneath me. A tangled mass of information, ideals, and happenings struggling to break into my consciousness. I struggled to regain what little control I had on my life, and so I lost more. Yet from that turning point came a new realization, that only I am my biggest obstacle. From this new knowledge I have learned a lot about my self and about people around me. I see what I can become and have set a new precedent for myself. Potential is endless, however, changing that potential into something useful requires energy. Without the will or desire or means to change potential, it is useless. Basic laws of physics, but also for life.

So much thought has gone into this epiphany that the writing of these basic thoughts seems to not do the realizations justice. Insignificant as they are, many other principles of life can be derived from them. As a major river may have a delta spliting it into two, or have tributaries breaking off, so have my thoughts, carrying me into untold directions. I am only limited by time and myself, but as previously stated, time is no longer of consequence. Why dwell on the past, or worry about the future when, if you do so, you will miss the present."

A sigh escaped her lips as she donned her mask and continued her journey through life behind her facade.

Not so amusing. More just a thought.

So I spent forever working on that stupid picture you see at the top of the screen there. Yes right up there, and if you didn't see it, go look. For even though I think it's stupid, I spent enough time on it that I want people to look. Either way, it was time consuming and frustrating, which reminds me of my day today. My day was frustrating in many ways because of the fact that one class was changed and now conflicts with another. Enough said. I would rather not dwell on that fact. That and I had a rather rough day trying to get a picture, which is actually the picture at the top of the screen here (see earlier in post), to fit the width of this blog and it has consumed me. I am tired.

ENDxOFxSTORY